Christmas: A Time of Traditions and the Worst Christmas Story Ever Told

This has been a most difficult year for a lot of people.  The holidays haven't been the same without Christmas parties and gatherings of friends.  I have a few Christmas traditions that I usually do at gatherings.  I do my impersonation of Elvis singing "Blue Christmas" and I tell the following story.  I've told it many, many times over the years but have never written it down. I have painted it though.  It's not a proud moment in my life, but the following events actually occurred just as I am telling them.  Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you... Night of the Mole Titty, the Worst Christmas Story Ever Told.

It was Christmas 2008.  I had recently gotten divorced at the end of October after being married for 7 1/2 years.  A week later, my brother's girlfriend introduced me to one of her friends.  We dated briefly, which is another story of it's own, but it ended with her kicking me out of the house buck ass naked for telling her that her butt stank. 

When Christmas came around I was lonely.  A friend of mine had told me about an online dating site that he used, so I said what the heck and signed up.  I found this girl on there that lived nearby and we started talking.  She invited me over to her house for dinner, so being poor, broke and hungry, I accepted.  I go knock on the door and the woman who answered the door looked nothing like her profile photo.  I'm talking U-G-L-Y!!!! I didn't know what to do, but I could smell the dinner she'd cooked and I was hungry.  I go in and eat and we watch some movie on TV and talk a little and I get out of there.  We talked about art some and she showed me some of her daughter's art.  She seemed to have a real appreciation for art.  

Being the gentleman that I am, and being appreciative of the nice meal.  I decide that I would take her out to dinner the following night and tell her that it wasn't going to work out.  I took her out to Chili's and ran into 95% of the people I know that didn't know that I'd gotten divorced and thought I was running around with this ugly ass woman.  Afterwards she asks if we can go back to my house so she can see some of my art.  I said ok, since it was on the way back to taking her home.  

We get to my house and I show her around and she wants to watch a movie or something.  While we're sitting on the couch, she jumps on top of me and starts trying to kiss on me.  I'm like what the hell and get up and go to the bathroom.  When I come out, she's no longer on the couch and I hear her in the bedroom.  The lights were out.  

I've made some poor decisions in my lifetime.  I'm not going to lie about it.  As I was standing there in the doorway trying to figure out what I was going to do with this ugly woman laying naked in my bed,  I began to feel sorry for her.  In my mind, I reasoned that it was Christmas... and this poor woman may never have an opportunity like this again.  I hesistantly laid on the bed.  It get's kind of graphic from this point, but there is no better way to tell it, so bear with me.  I started sucking on one of her breasts.  In the dark, I was having a difficult time navigating around there and I finally found something to latch onto.  It felt awkward and in a weird location, and as my eyes started to adjust to the darkness, I realized that I was sucking on a big hairy mole.  I lost my shit.  I felt so violated and dirty. I was completely grossed out. I began to panic, but then I  remembered my shoulder and the ability to throw it out of socket at will.  It was the result of a weight lifting injury in high school.   As I began screaming in pain, she asked what was wrong.  I told her that my shoulder was out and that I was going outside to smoke a cigarette and try to get it back in place.  

Five hours later, it was 3:00 in the morning, I had been trying to come up with a plan but I was just too disturbed.  I think I smoked two packs of cigarettes.   I finally go back in hoping that she was asleep and hadn't stolen a bunch of my shit.  I crawl in bed quietly, completely clothed.  I even had my coat on.  Every time she got near me, I'd scream like I was in pain.  I woke up early the next morning, told her that I had to go.  I took her home and never saw or talked to her again.  

So there it is people... The Worst Christmas Story Ever Told.  I told you that it was going to be.  

That night haunted me for a while.  Christmas had been ruined. After the two dating experiences I'd gone through after my divorce, I said that I was going to give up dating for a while, but then I met this really cute little midget lady at the Waffle House on New Year's Eve.  That's another less exciting story for another day.  

I try to have a moral to the story when I write one of these things... but I'm gonna let you figure the lesson you need from this one on your own.  

Merry Christmas from SamG!!!!