Saturday, May 4, 2013

Me and Women... a brief synopsis.

Looking back over my life, I've always had problems with women.  Even though I feel like I've always related to women better, and most of my best friends are women, I just have trouble with relationships.  I guess it all started when I was about 3 or 4 years old, the family who lived next door to us at the time had a daughter about my age.  It's been so long ago that I don't even remember their names.  I was always terrified of this little girl, and I'm positive that she has grown into a Devil Woman much like ones that I depict in my art.  Anytime I would see her outside I would refuse to go.  The problem with her is that she would always bite the hell out of me.  It wouldn't be a vicious dog attack like bite.  She would play nice and sweet for a while and even promise not to bite me but before it was all said and done, I knew she would.  Had they not moved away, I'm sure I would have been bitten to death by the time I was eight. 

I was a shy, awkward kid.  I haven't changed much really.  People that see the crazy side of me are surprised to learn how shy I really am.  If you've followed my stories for a while, you've already read the one about me falling in the holly bush, and my bad experience with the nurse, both women. Both of those explain my clumsiness and naivety.  I'm still a little of both of those too. 

You'll have to catch me in person to get me to tell you stories about individual relationships, but just tell me which ones you want to hear.  There are the "Babygirl Sagas",  "The Married Years", "The Girl Who Run Me Out Cause I Said Her Butt Stank (that one is a classic)", "The Mole-Titty"  and a couple of stories involving midgets, just to name a few.  There are some fond memories of each but they all end in failure. 

I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand women. So, I have decided that maybe I should make it easier for them to understand me.  I tried the internet dating thing right after my divorce, without a whole lot of luck.  People don't like honesty on those things.  They're looking for someone who lies about enjoying yachting, vacationing in Paris, and quiet walks in the park.  I offered someone who is broke as hell, don't much give a shit about anything, whose hobbies include making art and eating 'mater biscuits.

So here is a brief summary of how to understand me: 

I make art not because I like to, but I have to.  It's not the most profitable career I could have chosen, but it is my calling, my passion, and will be my journey. 

I'm self centered.  My world revolves around me.  I won't notice if you get a haircut or have new ear rings.  You will have to point things out to me. I'm very driven at achieving the goals that I have. 

 I'm not able to read your mind. I'm also not very observant.  I won't know anything until you tell me.

I probably don't give a shit.  That pretty much answers questions like, "Where do you want to go eat?"  "What type of shoes should I wear?"

I can't make multiple choice decisions.  I still don't have cookware because everytime I go into the store to look at it, I can't decide which set to get and burst into tears and leave crying. 

I'm immature, I decided what I want to be when I grow up.  I want to be a kid.  Always expect a practical joke or one of any number of childish acts to occur. 

I snore and fart in my sleep.  That one should be self explanatory. 

I'm moody. 

I like Tomato Biscuits. 

The one that most women I've encountered have with me though is, I'm not going to change. 

That's a good start on understanding me.  If anybody meets those qualifications and would like to hear Round 2-14.  Just let me know. 

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